I took a very unpopular Carrion Crawler
unawares . . . and now it’s dearly departed
and all I got was a Sac of Disturbing Smells
which I traded to a gaggle of nervous Elves
for a rigged D20 – it only comes up fives
Of course they were nervous, they was peddling jive
well so was I, I ‘ll admit
everybody’s skeevy in this dang dirtbag crypt

next is a Chamber of Webs, so original!
light it on fire, but the spider, was with it though!
"Thanks for releasing my soul from this dark curse
I used to be a Hobbit with a talent for Knackwurst
til I lost a cooking contest to a Night Hag
lemme get your reward, I’ll be right back!
A magic sword like Sting, but it only leaves hickeys
a magic Ring, which gives your finger hickeys"

come on Wurst-meister, stop trying to trick me
show me something else . . . he said I was being too picky!!

I take my leave, but missed my save (“another five?!?”)
I fall in a pit’n it’s full of Gatorade
flames go on, it starts fizzing, oh shit-I’m,
smelling delicious in a giant-size kitchen!
a Balrog busts in with the scariest rumble
if I don’t wanna turn into Barbarian Gumbo
I gotta be subtle, keep it very much humble
so I describe his sister’s junk as an “Ovarian Nut-hole”
he said, "For that, you’ll hella be supper!"
he lowers the giant poker, like Colonel Mustard
I suddenly run up-it, so I did not burn
and kick his nuts so hard I think I broke the sperm
I'm saying, “Run the treasure and hie thee hence!
Before I’m forced to do more in my de-fence”
I get a statue of Grimace, all carved from mithril
and a fax from Sauron, just saying “Go Israel”????!?

I’m losing my mind, someone solve this mystery:
why is this the most broke-ass dungeon in history?
but he’s scampered; I get no reply
that’s when I peep puce protoplasm in the corner of my eye
an ambush monster,so rotten and rude,
dropping from the ceiling, a gelatinous cube
I slash it, but my arm’s absorbed by the creature
I struggle, but only fall in more deeper
just when I can hear the creeping of the reaper
I remembered the ring that only makes hickies
and tell the DM I’m up to something tricky!

I slipped it on the pseudopod of the cube
it got turned into one giant dead-ass bruise!
roll treasure – once again there’s a poor hoard!
mephitic Mentos, straight from Mordor!
Chaos S’mores, pulsating with more spores
and a flip book of your mother riding a war-horse . . .
fuck!

what’s the deal with this crumb-bum dungeon?
feeling like Tantalus at the luncheon
XP alone ain’t gonna fill this tum-tum;
I need loot, jewels, potions, AND a fine Melungeon
so I keep spelunkin’ til I find the Final Boss
and solve the dang puzzle like nine across.
now it’s some other shit: a line across!
A lava river, too wide to cross!
Now this is hella bogus!
I’m trapped, and I sure hope the Boss don’t notice

"Jinx motherfucker!" said a voice from above,
I look up from the mud, and see a floating stretch limo
out of which spooled a centipede lich out the window
holding 100 eldritch scimitars
I said, "Don’t tell me, lemme guess – you’re the janitor?"
he said, "I’m gonna harvest your soul
and trap it forever, in a rerun of Solid Gold"
but first, I said, isn’t there something you forgot?
like describing your nefarious plot?

he said, "I took over the dungeon quite respectably
no sorcery, I used private equity!"
Now that’s even WORSE than a flying centipede
with some messed-up ideas about life expectancy!

so that’s why the treasure was crap
you extracted the value, to pay your creditors back
"I’ll downsize the monsters and sell it for scrap"
I said, it’s DND, not CDO
took my plus three catheter threw it right up his pee- PEE-hole
that’s when it started raining scimitars
it looked like a dang X-Men training course
I survived how? by whirling my mace of course
no evasive course!
then I aimed at the limo and threw the Chaos S’Mores!
it exploded, he crash-landed too near to miss
his cologne smelled like Satan’s cum and Aramis
he flashed mandibles, but I had the sharper sword
cut the head off this undead arthropod!!
he said, "You can’t kill what does not live"
so I tossed him in the lava just like Sarah Connor did
then all the monsters started to cheer
gave me all their money, it was enough for one beer

more dead than alive, I left the cavern
dragged my thirsty ass way back to the tavern
they said, "You’re broke, lookin' sorry as hell"
I said yeah, but what a story to tell!