1. |
Accident Reports
04:51
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On the way to the side of the road, Clarence hit my mother-in-law and rolled over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I was shopping for plants all day. On my way home, I reached an intersection. A bush sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see any other cars.
I had been driving my car for twenty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.
I had an accident. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In order to avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car came out of nowhere and hit my vehicle and me.
I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found I had a skull fracture.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to go so I hit him.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
I was thrown from my car as I left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I saw the slow moving, sad faced old man as he bounced off my car.
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2. |
Bridge
03:32
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When I grow up, I should die so they can name a bridge after me.
Well, when I grow up, they should die and name me after a bridge.
Well, when I’m a bridge, I’ll want death named after me!
When I’m an overpass, I’ll want death named after a bridge!
Well, when I celebrate Passover with Lloyd Bridges.... oh nevermind
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3. |
(what is) The Smiting
04:14
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OMAR: Say, Dave, do you have any idea what The Smiting is?
DAVE: Heck, Omar, I can’t even play it on bass.
OMAR: But, like, what is The Smiting?
DAVE: What is The Smiting?
PRIMUS GUY: Welllll...
OMAR: What is The Smiting?
And what shall teach thee what The Smiting is?
The day when men shall be as scattered moths, and the moths as?
DAVE: Wool?
OMAR: No, no! Corded wool. That’s the most smitten kind of wool.
Then as for him whose scales are heavy, his shall be a life well pleasing.
DAVE: Fair enough.
OMAR: And as for him whose scales are light (derisive snort), his abode shall be? Eh?
DAVE: The Pit?
OMAR: No, but you’re close. The Bottomless Pit.
DAVE: Oh, the Bottomless Pit.
OMAR: And what--
DAVE: --is there a worse kind of Pit?
OMAR: --Shuttup! What are you, a heretic?
DAVE: No, you’re a heretic. I’m an infidel.
OMAR/SHAFT: Then I can dig it.
OMAR: And what shall teach thee what that is?
DAVE: What what?
OMAR: The Bottomless Pit we were discussing earlier.
DAVE: Oh, let’s not go back to the Pit.
OMAR: A raging fire.
IT’LL TAKE A RAGING FIRE TO TEACH THEE WHAT IT IS, BUDDY! HAHAHAHAH!
Hot enough down there for ya, pal?
DAVE: It’s like a sauna in here!
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4. |
Holy Mahatma, Batman!
03:22
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. . . .the Joker's not fighting back!
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5. |
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Oh, no!
I’m not feeling so well today!
I have Personal Relationship Problems, yes I do, man.
I have Personal Relationship Problems I can’t relate to, man.
I went to read my Daily Affirmation, but it just said ‘Fuck you, man!’
I’ve Lost Touch with my Emotions, and I don’t know Where My Head is At.
I’ve Lost Touch with my Emotions, and I don’t know Where My Head is At.
I bet I’m not Self-Actualized either.. .IMAGINE THAT!
I woke up this morning, and my baby was codependent.
Yes, Lord, I woke up this morning and my baby was codependent.
We had Boundary Issues, and I got offended.
But my Inner Child never relented.
A new therapy was invented.
I gave her shoes.
They were cemented, now I’ve got the Blues.
Buttload of Blues
I got the Shame Spiral, Stinkin-Thinkin’ Blues.
Yes, Lord, I have Issues
Blues Issues
I’m trying to process my Issues with the Blues
But my therapist done left me, now what do I do?
Are you too suffering from Personal Relationship Problems? Does your Self fail to Actualize? Are the People Police laying a Guilt Trip on your Sharing Space? Does your Significant Other disrupt your Nurturing Network with Head Games? You are not alone. In this Incarnation, many terrible things can Enable your Blues Issues: Increasing numbers of people are Relating with Negative Vibrations instead of Building Interpersonal Bridges. If you need help, please call the Wicketology Crystal Friendship Clinic where we have many methods available for your Disposal.
Word up.
You’re no fun you’re
No fun you’re no
Fun you’re no fun
You’re no fun you’re
No
Fun
Anymore
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6. |
(doubt the) Trout
05:06
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DUDE # 1: Well. Um.
Mackerel?
DUDE #2: I think you mean ‘flounder’.
DUDE #1: Could be.
Could be ‘flounder’....
Could be mackerel.
DUDE #2: I think you mean ‘flounder-for-sure.’
DUDE #1: Could be ‘smelt’.
DUDE #2: It could be ‘smelt’ but I think you mean ‘flounder.’
DUDE #1: Could be tuna..
DUDE #2: Could be.
DUDE #1: What about ... ‘trout?’
DUDE #2: It’s possible, but I doubt it.
DUDE #1: Could be a ‘fine’, a ‘fine’, a ‘fine’ ‘trout’.
DUDE #2: I ‘DOUBT’ THE ‘TROUT.’
DUDE #1: You ‘doubt’ the ‘trout?’
DUDE #2: ....Even as we speak.
DUDE #1: What about ‘cod?’
DUDE #2: Could be ‘cod.’
DUDE #1: I see.
DUDE #2: Could be ‘cod,’ but I think you mean ‘flounder.’
DUDE #1: Well, I’m definitely not seeing a ‘flounder.’
DUDE #2: Could be ‘flounder.’
DUDE #1: What if They wanted us to think it was a ‘flounder?’
We’d be falling right for it!
DUDE #2: If They wanted us to think it was a ‘flounder,’ They’re doing a very good job.
DUDE #1: Could be a haddock.
DUDE #2: I think you mean ‘founder.’
DUDE #1: I think you mean ‘flounder.’;
DUDE #2: Yes, I mean ‘flounder.’
I think I mean ‘flounder.’
I think I mean ‘flounder.’
I ‘doubt’ the ‘trout.’
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7. |
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She got no rhythm. Got no rhyme.
I don’t mind.
She got blank verse like Gertrude Stein.
Emmy D is faking the funk.
Plath-Dogg’s a punk!
eazy-e cummings’ rhymes is bunk.
Pimping hoes in gay Paree:
Don’t you see
Gerty-Gert’s the def MC?
-------------------
Operah’s head on Ann Margaret’s body
Operah’s head on Ann Margaret’s body
But
Ann Margaret’s body on Operah’s head
So that’s all right with...
Operah’s head on Ann Margaret’s body
Operah’s head on Ann Margaret’s body
But
Ann Margaret’s body on Operah’s head
So that’s all right with...
Ann Margaret’s head on Operah’s body
Ann Margaret’s head on Operah’s body
But
Operah’s body on Ann Margaret’s head
So that’s all right with me.
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8. |
Wo Shing Jah
07:23
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DAVE: Wo fei da si ni bu ke.
STEVE: Pardon me, Dave?
DAVE: Wo fei da si ni bu ke.
STEVE: I’m not certain that I follow you
DAVE: It means, “It won’t do not to beat you to death...”
STEVE: I see. What makes you say that?
DAVE: Funny you should ask. There’s an old Chinese story that goes something like this:
STEVE: Is it “Stairway to Heaven?”
DAVE: It’s not “Stairway to Heaven” but an incredible simulation.
DAVE: Once upon a time, there were two roommates. One roommate said to the other roommate, ”Please clean up this messy room.”
And the other roommate said, “I’m sorry, but I have a test tomorrow and I have to go to the library to study.”
And he left without saying a word.
Word.
So the other roommate became a little upset, and he wrote a note to the other roommate And the note said “Your dentist is coming at 3:00. Please have the room clean for him.”
And when the roommate came home, it was 2:00 and he realized he only had one hour to clean the entire room...
Which he did.
At about 4:00, two hours later, the first roommate arrived, and said “Oh my gosh, this room is so clean.
And the first roommate said, “Yes, my dentist left a note saying he would be here at 3:00 and it’s already 4:00. I have to go to class. I don’t know what to do.
And the second roommate said, “ You can go to your class. He won’t be coming.”
At which point the other roommate said, “How did you know he won’t be coming, unless it was you who wrote the note?”
And then he says, “Wo fei da si ni bu ke.”
Wo de ming...
Wo de ming tse
Ming tse jiao
Jah Rastafari
Wo de ming...
Wo de ming tse
Ming tse jiao
Jah rastafari
We are all Chinese students.
No, I am not your girlfriend.
It would not do to not beat you to a pulp.
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9. |
Rhombus' Rule
06:58
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Rhombus' rule: A=BH
Rhombus' rule like King Henry the Eighth
Ellipses suck, parallelograms too
Don't even think about trapezoids
Cus rhombus' rule
You think it's a trapezoid just cus it's got four sides
But congruency is paramount so ram it up your snout
Rhombus' kick ass:
King of the quads
How long can you last
You parallelogram clods?
I say that they rule, it's geometry
You 'minus' well repent, cus it's proved mathematically
Acute angles and obtuse as well
So the area's half the product of the 'diag-o-nels'
Rhombus' shred, I elucidate
It's in the theorem, I'll brook no debate
It's got sharp sides: a preternatural plane
Ramming the parabolas so it causes them pain
It's not just any plane
It's not just any plane
It's not just any plane
I'll say it again
Rhombus' reign over the Second Dimension
And they have no Anal Retention
Anal Retention in the Second Dimension
Parabolic curves don't deserve a mention
God damn that rhombus is a 'fine' invention!
Get one today cus rhombus' rule
Carve it on the desk at your junior high school
Cross out Def Leppard, Night Ranger and Queen
Write the scripture that's holy
Cross out the obscene
If it's got power like to kill and bomb us...
George Bush's head is a rhombus
Geraldo's dick is a rhombus
Yassir Arafat's nipple is a rhombus
There you go, wouldn't you be pompous
If one day, you could say, you had a rhombus?
Rhombus' rule, like it or not
They're the best polygons that we've got
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Go! Fight! Win!
Rah, rah, rhombus!
It'll melt your skin
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Kick your shin
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Do you in
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Go! Fight! Bisect!
Rah, rah, rhombus!
You're so erect
Rah, rah, rhombus!
Go! Fight! Formulate!
Boo! Hiss! Ellipse!
Go far, far away
From the rhombus and close to Doris Day
You laugh cus a rhombus ain't got no head
But a well placed rhombus could knock you dead
Rhombus to the knee, rhombus to the groin
More than annoyin': positively destroyin'
Rhombus to the kidney, rhombus to the eye
Rhombus' are neat when I watch you die
Remember forever, that you heard it here first
You know the equation so forget all the worst
C'mon everybody sing it one time
Grab your partner and do the Funky Rhombus!
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schultzzz California
One-man-band! Home recordings! Small town alienation! Absurd humor and musical complexity! Various levels of quality! Songs (as opposed to albums) free DL.
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